Hey Conner! I just finished your first story, and I'm definitely a big fan of your storybook so far. I really like how you adjusted The Iliad to tell a story of the mafia. I'm curious as to whether you're a fan of movies and stories about the mafia or if that's just an interesting idea you thought of. I think you did a great job portraying the feud between these two families. It also reminded me a little of a Romeo and Juliet sort of story, only if everyone was after Juliet. I have a couple pieces of advice that I hope will help you. I think it would help the reader if you break down the families in your story somehow. Maybe your image can be a family tree of the families? Also, what if you included some dialogue between these characters at war? I think that would really intensify the conflict between the two. Overall, I really liked your portfolio!
I love the look of your page. The pictures you have chosen are clear and they align with your theme well! I especially love the photo on the first page that you have - it is magical.
How creative you were with your first story! I love that you took a classic that many people know well, The Iliad, and transformed it into a unique story. It is great that you did another well known, more modern story, I think that will make this very engaging for the readers who visit your site.
It awesome too that you found inspiration in your every day life, even while watching television. It is fun to see stories come to life that were inspired by real things! Fun use of a generator too to come up with the names, that is not something I have seen yet! Great work so far and keep it up!
Hi Conner, I really liked your first story! I thought that the layout of your portfolio was great. I thought the title of your first story fit very well with your story. After reading your story, I had no idea what story you were retelling but that is what made it very interesting! Once I saw that you retold The Iliad, I was impressed by all the changes you made to make it your own. I love when I find my inspiration for these retellings from something that is going on in my life. I think the only thing that could improve your story would be adding dialogue between the characters. I had a hard time following back and forth with the characters but with dialogue it may help with that confusion. Also, since you are doing a portfolio, I think it would be helpful to have an introduction. This can help explain what readers can expect from your storybook before they dive in. Overall, great first story I can’t wait for more!
Hey Conner! I really like how your story flows together. It is really cohesive. I can't wait to see where else it goes!I enjoyed how you retold the Iliad and then retold it as a Mafia story. I love how everything can be the same but also different in 2,000 years. My favorite change you made was the one where you changed Agamemnon's "woman" to Tony's Jaguar. That was a really necessary change and it was perfect. Your photo also fits really well! I love the visuals! It gets me excited to read a mafia story or watch the "Godfather."
Hi Conner! I really like how your portfolio looks so far. I just read your first story “Mafia Showdown” and was very impressed with the amount of detail that you included in the story. Even though there were several characters present in your story, I think you did a good job at introducing each of them. I also liked the photo you chose for this story and think that it went well with the text. One correction that I have is to look into adding a little more punctuation in your writing. I saw a few instances where I thought a comma might be appropriate. For example… “Because of this, tensions ran high among the Sorrentos.” Other than that, I think your writing is great! I am interested to see what you come up with next and if the next stories will connect to this one in some way… Great job!
Hi Conner! In your first story, there are many moving characters and parts. You did a fantastic job carefully introducing the relation of each character to each other which alleviated any confusion. Something I am working on in my own project is paragraph formatting. Perhaps you could break up some of your longer paragraphs to create more fluidity in how the plot reads. Regarding your author's note, I love how you mentioned the inspiration of the movie. It gave reference to how your inspiration merged with this classic tale. Perhaps I would summarize the general plot of the original story more. Then you could follow this summary with exactly how and what you changed in relation to the original ideas. What did your retelling of the story add to the original story? Was there a gap in the original story? Finally, I'm not sure if something technical is wrong. Are you planning on adding an introduction to the storybook? This would be a good job on where this exciting story fits into the big scheme of things. Fantastic job!
Hi Conner! Nice start on your portfolio. Your homepage looks really nice, but I am curious if there is going to be a particular theme to the stories you are going to feature. You might consider adding some more information on the homepage about the stories you will be telling. Your Mafia Showdown story does a nice job of starting out your portfolio! This was a really creative way to retell something as classic and well known as the Iliad. You created some really strong characters in this story that definitely made it more interesting to read. I think that your author’s note provides some important information to your story. I think that it is really interesting that you did some research on cars in order to add more details. That shows a lot of commitment, so nice job on that. I look forward to seeing the rest of your stories.
I really liked your Mafia Showdown story. I think it transitioned very well from Homer's The Iliad. Mafia Showdown was one of my favorite stories due to the constant drama and action. There was tension not only between families but within families as well and I think that closely resembles our own lives. I wish the Valenzos focused a little more on the Sorrentos. It seemed like too much of their time and energy was spent on problems within the family which seemed counterproductive to accomplishing their main goal. I also would have liked to seen more dialogue in the action scenes, such as when Tommy confronted Tony and told him they would have to take the car back. I also think it would be good to introduce Joey and Paulie earlier in the story since they have such big roles later in the story. All in all I enjoyed reading it. Good luck on your finals!
Hey Conner! I just finished your first story, and I'm definitely a big fan of your storybook so far. I really like how you adjusted The Iliad to tell a story of the mafia. I'm curious as to whether you're a fan of movies and stories about the mafia or if that's just an interesting idea you thought of. I think you did a great job portraying the feud between these two families. It also reminded me a little of a Romeo and Juliet sort of story, only if everyone was after Juliet. I have a couple pieces of advice that I hope will help you. I think it would help the reader if you break down the families in your story somehow. Maybe your image can be a family tree of the families? Also, what if you included some dialogue between these characters at war? I think that would really intensify the conflict between the two. Overall, I really liked your portfolio!
ReplyDeleteConner,
ReplyDeleteI love the look of your page. The pictures you have chosen are clear and they align with your theme well! I especially love the photo on the first page that you have - it is magical.
How creative you were with your first story! I love that you took a classic that many people know well, The Iliad, and transformed it into a unique story. It is great that you did another well known, more modern story, I think that will make this very engaging for the readers who visit your site.
It awesome too that you found inspiration in your every day life, even while watching television. It is fun to see stories come to life that were inspired by real things! Fun use of a generator too to come up with the names, that is not something I have seen yet! Great work so far and keep it up!
Hi Conner, I really liked your first story! I thought that the layout of your portfolio was great. I thought the title of your first story fit very well with your story. After reading your story, I had no idea what story you were retelling but that is what made it very interesting! Once I saw that you retold The Iliad, I was impressed by all the changes you made to make it your own. I love when I find my inspiration for these retellings from something that is going on in my life. I think the only thing that could improve your story would be adding dialogue between the characters. I had a hard time following back and forth with the characters but with dialogue it may help with that confusion. Also, since you are doing a portfolio, I think it would be helpful to have an introduction. This can help explain what readers can expect from your storybook before they dive in. Overall, great first story I can’t wait for more!
ReplyDeleteHey Conner!
ReplyDeleteI really like how your story flows together. It is really cohesive. I can't wait to see where else it goes!I enjoyed how you retold the Iliad and then retold it as a Mafia story. I love how everything can be the same but also different in 2,000 years. My favorite change you made was the one where you changed Agamemnon's "woman" to Tony's Jaguar. That was a really necessary change and it was perfect.
Your photo also fits really well! I love the visuals! It gets me excited to read a mafia story or watch the "Godfather."
Hi Conner! I really like how your portfolio looks so far. I just read your first story “Mafia Showdown” and was very impressed with the amount of detail that you included in the story. Even though there were several characters present in your story, I think you did a good job at introducing each of them. I also liked the photo you chose for this story and think that it went well with the text. One correction that I have is to look into adding a little more punctuation in your writing. I saw a few instances where I thought a comma might be appropriate. For example… “Because of this, tensions ran high among the Sorrentos.” Other than that, I think your writing is great! I am interested to see what you come up with next and if the next stories will connect to this one in some way… Great job!
ReplyDeleteHi Conner!
ReplyDeleteIn your first story, there are many moving characters and parts. You did a fantastic job carefully introducing the relation of each character to each other which alleviated any confusion. Something I am working on in my own project is paragraph formatting. Perhaps you could break up some of your longer paragraphs to create more fluidity in how the plot reads.
Regarding your author's note, I love how you mentioned the inspiration of the movie. It gave reference to how your inspiration merged with this classic tale. Perhaps I would summarize the general plot of the original story more. Then you could follow this summary with exactly how and what you changed in relation to the original ideas. What did your retelling of the story add to the original story? Was there a gap in the original story?
Finally, I'm not sure if something technical is wrong. Are you planning on adding an introduction to the storybook? This would be a good job on where this exciting story fits into the big scheme of things. Fantastic job!
Hi Conner! Nice start on your portfolio. Your homepage looks really nice, but I am curious if there is going to be a particular theme to the stories you are going to feature. You might consider adding some more information on the homepage about the stories you will be telling.
ReplyDeleteYour Mafia Showdown story does a nice job of starting out your portfolio! This was a really creative way to retell something as classic and well known as the Iliad. You created some really strong characters in this story that definitely made it more interesting to read. I think that your author’s note provides some important information to your story. I think that it is really interesting that you did some research on cars in order to add more details. That shows a lot of commitment, so nice job on that. I look forward to seeing the rest of your stories.
Hey Conner,
ReplyDeleteI really liked your Mafia Showdown story. I think it transitioned very well from Homer's The Iliad. Mafia Showdown was one of my favorite stories due to the constant drama and action. There was tension not only between families but within families as well and I think that closely resembles our own lives. I wish the Valenzos focused a little more on the Sorrentos. It seemed like too much of their time and energy was spent on problems within the family which seemed counterproductive to accomplishing their main goal. I also would have liked to seen more dialogue in the action scenes, such as when Tommy confronted Tony and told him they would have to take the car back. I also think it would be good to introduce Joey and Paulie earlier in the story since they have such big roles later in the story. All in all I enjoyed reading it. Good luck on your finals!